I don't generally post personal essays here unless it's important, and it doesn't get more substantive or sadder than losing a parent for the first time
So sorry to hear about your father, Nathan. My father passed away in 2011 and I'm still processing things (and haven't really taken necessary steps to do so, but that's in keeping with family tradition ... tamp it all down!). My dad loved science fiction, and sometimes would wake me up late at night to watch an old Flash Gordon movie or some such thing, and took me and my friends to see Star Wars the week it came out in 1977, so I guess he got me started on my pop culture-obsessed path as well. From the sound of your loving words, your dad did dadding right, in the best way he was able, and that's one of the best things a boy can hope for in this life. My deepest condolences.
I'm always at a loss for words in situations like this, so let me just say that I'm so sorry.
Because I always have to temper these things with some humor, let me just say that when my dad passed away in 2009, and I picked up his ashes from Maryland to bring them to New Jersey to be sprinkled in the ocean, I made a lot of jokes about going into a restaurant with the ashes and asking for a table for two. I know my dad would have thought it was funny, we shared the same morbid sense of humor.
I'm so sorry to hear this. My dad has neuropathy that's slowly robbing him of his ability to walk and talk, and its hard to watch, especially because it seems to be genetic and that could be me in another 25 years. I don't know how far it can or will progress in his case, partly because the doctors don't know exactly what he has, and partly because I'm afraid to look it up and read the general symptoms. Definitely don't feel guilty if you need to take a break from the site and blog for a while, either now or when it happens.
Also, uh, maybe keep your plans to illegally scatter his ashes on the DL until it's done. There's several articles out there about people scattering ashes at Disney World, and getting caught means them getting vacuumed up and possibly a ban. People get caught doing it there about once a month, but there's clearly way more who get away with it. Also, don't do it where they can easily be found and vacuumed. Maybe in a hidden, grassy area. Up to you if you want to put all of them there or just some, but just a little would be easier.
So sorry about your dad. My dad passed away just after New Year's Day in 2017. We had a complicated relationship, but that doesn't mean I didn't love him and don't miss him. He had kidney cancer for many years before he passed. One thing to look for when your dad passes--at some point, he'll rally and be extremely coherent before he dies. This happened the day before he took a turn for the worse and was put on morphine so he could die painlessly. It does not mean he's rallying but instead is a final goodbye. Just something to look out for. Again, sorry about your dad.
I lost my dad almost exactly 4 years ago, kidney failure, on 1-4-3 day. It was surprising, honestly, that his kidneys were the cause, secondary to well managed benign hypertension. Dad had a rare cancer that was supposed to have killed him 10 years before, but didn't, and he had another cancer that had spread to stage 4. When dad heard about that one, he was funny. "yeah, yeah, doc, they've been telling me I'm dying of cancer for 10 years, yet here I am." He was like that.
When they told him the kidney failure could not be reversed, though, and they said that he was not suitable for dialysis (being 85 yo at the time), and, lastly, it was because of his high blood pressure, he was so angry. Why? He had taken all the meds, religiously. Watched his diet. Hadn't touched a salt shaker for 55 years. Ate nearly a vegetarian diet. His doc responded "that gave you 20 good years, Joe. Most men with this I see at 65, not 85".
I think for me what was hardest was that I was his primary caregiver, he lived with me after my mother died, and so I got to see him progress in inches. I had done the same for my mom, so it was kind of like being trapped in a movie theater that was showing a movie I did not want to see, but could not get away from. Mom died of dementia, and in the end that's what the toxins in his blood did to his brain. It created a faux dementia, much faster though. In the morning he could sip from a straw. In the afternoon, he couldn't. Things like that.
What's the craziest thing is that despite all of the absolute horror and grief, I wouldn't change what happened for anything in the world. There were stories i had never heard coming from him as his memories receded, just as with mom. He was happy, content, and he taught me that there is such a thing as a peaceful death when he left us, so quietly, listening to his favorite music, a faint smile.
It sucks, and my heart breaks for anyones, strangers, who walk this path. May the memories you have of the life he shared with you sustain you as he departs.
I'm in tears, Nathan. Tomorrow I fly to my hometown to visit my ailing father. My once-strong dad had a stroke, and never fully recovered. But worse, he has Parkinson's, an insidious disease that steals everything from you little by little. Worst of all is his ability to talk...we used to talk for hours. Now a few minutes of halting conversation is all that fucking condition will allow him... talking exhausts him. Everything exhausts him, but he remains as smart and funny as ever. This breaks my heart. My stepmom has MS, so I understand exactly what that disease does too.
When I leave him, whenever I leave him, I know it may be the last time I will ever see him. And when the worst happens, I don't know how I'll survive. That man is my hero.
Hugs to you and your family, Nathan. This is so hard. I know just how hard.
Thank you for sharing. It is a shattering thing to lose your dad. My dad died suddenly just before the Christmas holiday in 1987 and the loss has never left me.
So sorry for what you're going through. The good news and the bad news is that the grief never truly leaves you. I read this, and even before i got to the baseball part, I started crying. I thought about how much my grandfather, who was more my father than my father, would have loved seeing his great grandson play baseball, and my kid is 100 times the ballplayer I was. He's been gone for a few days over 27 years and it still hurts like hell some days.
Be kind to yourself. Your father loves you and you will carry him with you always.
I'm so sorry to hear this. All I can meekly say is that I'm glad you're not completely alone in it. You don't write about your siblings much here, but I hope you have at least a genial relationship with them and their families. It's good to have someone to lean on a little.
I am sorry for your impending loss. But also for the real loss you are suffering right now. Your dad sounds like a wonderfully, complicated, real man. I am glad you all chose to move forward with keeping your dad as comfortable as possible and that you and your sister have a close relationship. These sort of things help make the impossibly hard a little bit more bearable. I know I speak for others when we say we are grateful for what an influence he has been to making you the person you are now.
Losing loved ones is always hard—I felt the way you did when my Mom's MS had finally, after fighting it like Hell for 35 years, overtaken her and she went into the hospital for the last time. I had just split up with my wife who my Mom adored, and neither of us could afford at that time to fly across country even if we were still together. They let her out the day before she died so she could die at home with my younger brother, his wife, and their son and daughter.
When her executor (a friend she'd hired who was a pro at this) sent us a list of items of things in the house and asked if we wanted anything before they auctioned it off, the ONLY thing I could think of that I might want was the one thing I didn't remotely have room for—the *shrank*, a free-standing cupboard Mom had bought in Germany and brought back to the U.S., where she kept all the good china, glasses and silverware. (It kind of looked like this, only with more cut-glass windows—https://images.craigslist.org/00j0j_6T52NGzHfvr_0CI0t2_600x450.jpg ) It was such a part of her that all of us kids wanted it to remind us, but none of us had room for it in our homes. I just hope whoever bought it at auction loves it like Mom did....
So sorry to hear about your father, Nathan. My father passed away in 2011 and I'm still processing things (and haven't really taken necessary steps to do so, but that's in keeping with family tradition ... tamp it all down!). My dad loved science fiction, and sometimes would wake me up late at night to watch an old Flash Gordon movie or some such thing, and took me and my friends to see Star Wars the week it came out in 1977, so I guess he got me started on my pop culture-obsessed path as well. From the sound of your loving words, your dad did dadding right, in the best way he was able, and that's one of the best things a boy can hope for in this life. My deepest condolences.
I'm always at a loss for words in situations like this, so let me just say that I'm so sorry.
Because I always have to temper these things with some humor, let me just say that when my dad passed away in 2009, and I picked up his ashes from Maryland to bring them to New Jersey to be sprinkled in the ocean, I made a lot of jokes about going into a restaurant with the ashes and asking for a table for two. I know my dad would have thought it was funny, we shared the same morbid sense of humor.
Please take care. <3
I'm so sorry, Nathan. We are going through a similar letting-go process with my husband's dad (cancer, not MS). It sucks, plain and simple.
I'm so sorry to hear this. My dad has neuropathy that's slowly robbing him of his ability to walk and talk, and its hard to watch, especially because it seems to be genetic and that could be me in another 25 years. I don't know how far it can or will progress in his case, partly because the doctors don't know exactly what he has, and partly because I'm afraid to look it up and read the general symptoms. Definitely don't feel guilty if you need to take a break from the site and blog for a while, either now or when it happens.
Also, uh, maybe keep your plans to illegally scatter his ashes on the DL until it's done. There's several articles out there about people scattering ashes at Disney World, and getting caught means them getting vacuumed up and possibly a ban. People get caught doing it there about once a month, but there's clearly way more who get away with it. Also, don't do it where they can easily be found and vacuumed. Maybe in a hidden, grassy area. Up to you if you want to put all of them there or just some, but just a little would be easier.
So sorry about your dad. My dad passed away just after New Year's Day in 2017. We had a complicated relationship, but that doesn't mean I didn't love him and don't miss him. He had kidney cancer for many years before he passed. One thing to look for when your dad passes--at some point, he'll rally and be extremely coherent before he dies. This happened the day before he took a turn for the worse and was put on morphine so he could die painlessly. It does not mean he's rallying but instead is a final goodbye. Just something to look out for. Again, sorry about your dad.
I lost my dad almost exactly 4 years ago, kidney failure, on 1-4-3 day. It was surprising, honestly, that his kidneys were the cause, secondary to well managed benign hypertension. Dad had a rare cancer that was supposed to have killed him 10 years before, but didn't, and he had another cancer that had spread to stage 4. When dad heard about that one, he was funny. "yeah, yeah, doc, they've been telling me I'm dying of cancer for 10 years, yet here I am." He was like that.
When they told him the kidney failure could not be reversed, though, and they said that he was not suitable for dialysis (being 85 yo at the time), and, lastly, it was because of his high blood pressure, he was so angry. Why? He had taken all the meds, religiously. Watched his diet. Hadn't touched a salt shaker for 55 years. Ate nearly a vegetarian diet. His doc responded "that gave you 20 good years, Joe. Most men with this I see at 65, not 85".
I think for me what was hardest was that I was his primary caregiver, he lived with me after my mother died, and so I got to see him progress in inches. I had done the same for my mom, so it was kind of like being trapped in a movie theater that was showing a movie I did not want to see, but could not get away from. Mom died of dementia, and in the end that's what the toxins in his blood did to his brain. It created a faux dementia, much faster though. In the morning he could sip from a straw. In the afternoon, he couldn't. Things like that.
What's the craziest thing is that despite all of the absolute horror and grief, I wouldn't change what happened for anything in the world. There were stories i had never heard coming from him as his memories receded, just as with mom. He was happy, content, and he taught me that there is such a thing as a peaceful death when he left us, so quietly, listening to his favorite music, a faint smile.
It sucks, and my heart breaks for anyones, strangers, who walk this path. May the memories you have of the life he shared with you sustain you as he departs.
I'm in tears, Nathan. Tomorrow I fly to my hometown to visit my ailing father. My once-strong dad had a stroke, and never fully recovered. But worse, he has Parkinson's, an insidious disease that steals everything from you little by little. Worst of all is his ability to talk...we used to talk for hours. Now a few minutes of halting conversation is all that fucking condition will allow him... talking exhausts him. Everything exhausts him, but he remains as smart and funny as ever. This breaks my heart. My stepmom has MS, so I understand exactly what that disease does too.
When I leave him, whenever I leave him, I know it may be the last time I will ever see him. And when the worst happens, I don't know how I'll survive. That man is my hero.
Hugs to you and your family, Nathan. This is so hard. I know just how hard.
Thank you for sharing. It is a shattering thing to lose your dad. My dad died suddenly just before the Christmas holiday in 1987 and the loss has never left me.
So sorry for what you're going through. The good news and the bad news is that the grief never truly leaves you. I read this, and even before i got to the baseball part, I started crying. I thought about how much my grandfather, who was more my father than my father, would have loved seeing his great grandson play baseball, and my kid is 100 times the ballplayer I was. He's been gone for a few days over 27 years and it still hurts like hell some days.
Be kind to yourself. Your father loves you and you will carry him with you always.
I'm so sorry to hear this. All I can meekly say is that I'm glad you're not completely alone in it. You don't write about your siblings much here, but I hope you have at least a genial relationship with them and their families. It's good to have someone to lean on a little.
Deepest condolences, Nathan.
This essay is a really nice tribute. Your dad sounds awesome.
I'm so sorry. Sending love, if such a thing is possible.
I am sorry for your impending loss. But also for the real loss you are suffering right now. Your dad sounds like a wonderfully, complicated, real man. I am glad you all chose to move forward with keeping your dad as comfortable as possible and that you and your sister have a close relationship. These sort of things help make the impossibly hard a little bit more bearable. I know I speak for others when we say we are grateful for what an influence he has been to making you the person you are now.
A beautiful essay. Thank you for writing it. I'm so sorry about your dad.
Losing loved ones is always hard—I felt the way you did when my Mom's MS had finally, after fighting it like Hell for 35 years, overtaken her and she went into the hospital for the last time. I had just split up with my wife who my Mom adored, and neither of us could afford at that time to fly across country even if we were still together. They let her out the day before she died so she could die at home with my younger brother, his wife, and their son and daughter.
When her executor (a friend she'd hired who was a pro at this) sent us a list of items of things in the house and asked if we wanted anything before they auctioned it off, the ONLY thing I could think of that I might want was the one thing I didn't remotely have room for—the *shrank*, a free-standing cupboard Mom had bought in Germany and brought back to the U.S., where she kept all the good china, glasses and silverware. (It kind of looked like this, only with more cut-glass windows—https://images.craigslist.org/00j0j_6T52NGzHfvr_0CI0t2_600x450.jpg ) It was such a part of her that all of us kids wanted it to remind us, but none of us had room for it in our homes. I just hope whoever bought it at auction loves it like Mom did....
Just FYI? The 2020s really fucking suck.