Jack Black's Inspired Voice Turn as a Sassy, Misanthropic Robot Is the Only Element of Borderlands That Doesn't Suck

Even the divine Cait Blanchett cannot save this stinker

I was very concerned when it appeared disconcertingly probable that Jack Black would end Tenacious D over an anti-Trump wisecrack that landed very wrong. I’m a huge Jack Black fan. I think he’s an extraordinary, unique talent, but he also seems like a wonderful human being. 

I’m a fan of Black as an actor and musician but also of Black as a man. So I was disappointed that he overreacted wildly to an exceedingly minor transgression out of an abundance of caution. 

The world has somehow changed dramatically since then. How fucking crazy is that? Kyle Gass joked about wishing that Trump’s would-be assassin had better aim less than a month ago. 

Since then, Joe Biden helped give the Democrats a fighting chance of defeating Donald Trump in the most important presidential race of my lifetime by doing the right thing and stepping down. 

Kamala Harris, meanwhile, breathed new life into a faltering campaign by taking over as a Democratic presidential candidate. 

Because Jack Black is a genuinely good human being, he showed Trump a level of compassion and consideration in the aftermath of the failed assassination that Trump would never extend to even his closest ally. 

Black might have assumed, incorrectly, that a close brush with death would have a profound impact on Trump, possibly for the better. In another context, staring death in the face would lead a politician to have a renewed appreciation for life. 

That’s not true of Trump. He just can’t stop being a messy little bitch who loves drama. That’s who Trump is on an existential level. 

So I was relieved when Black walked back his comments about the possible death of the D. Gass’ feelings should matter to him more than Trump’s. Gass is a longtime friend and collaborator. Trump is evil incarnate. 

I want to continue to enjoy Jack Black's comedy stylings without reservation because that dude is the best. 

Critics are eviscerating Eli Roth’s adaptation of Borderlands for its myriad failings, but it has one massive strength in Black’s performance as the sassy robot Claptrap. 

Black is legitimately hilarious as a robot whose seeming affability can’t hide his raging contempt for humanity as a whole and every person he encounters. It’s as if Black was given a different, better screenplay than everyone, or, more likely, he improvised extensively while everyone else was handcuffed to a dreadful script. 

Borderlands over-delivers in the kooky robot department but under-delivers in every other way. 

The poorly received video game adaptation casts an insanely attractive Cate Blanchett as Lillith, a notorious bounty hunter in a dystopian world that suggests Mad Max on a Cannon budget. 

Borderlands feels deliberately tacky, cheap, and dated. So I was surprised to discover that it apparently cost over one hundred million dollars to make. I have no idea where that money went outside of Kevin Hart’s bank account. 

You might wonder what an independent, low-budget guy like Eli Roth would do with a massive budget. Not much, it turns out!

Hart is a tiny little man but a huge movie star, so it is perplexing to find him in a thankless supporting role as Roland, a diminutive man of action. 

Borderlands’ elaborate mythology involves a hyper-advanced alien race that died out but not before leaving behind borderline miraculous technology in a vault.

It’s not a positive development when a favorite actor’s presence in a movie inspires pity rather than excitement, but Blanchett is painfully miscast as a distaff Han Solo.

Sinister corporate mogul Atlas (Édgar Ramírez) hires Lillith to track down her anarchistic daughter Tiny Tina (Ariana Greenblatt). 

Lillith predictably transforms from pragmatic cynic to unlikely idealist and joins forces with Roland, Tiny Tina, and Krieg (Florian Munteanu), a masked warrior whose fashion sensibility can be succinctly summarized as “post-apocalyptic Jason Voorhees.”

Borderlands follows its anti-heroes as they try to beat Atlas to a vault that serves as the film’s MacGuffin. 

Roth most recently directed Thanksgiving, a terrific Grindhouse spin-off shot in the style of a low-budget 1980s slasher film. Borderlands has a similarly retro feel. It’d make for a terrific double feature with 1984’s Ice Pirates. 

Borderlands has a Cannon feel. Unfortunately, it has all of the faults of a Cannon production from the Reagan era and none of its vulgar, energetic strengths. It’s a big-budget adaptation of a video game series that has way too much plot and not enough fun. 

There’s something strangely joyless and mercenary about the whole affair. Of the overqualified cast, only Black seems to be having any fun.

It seems fitting that I saw Borderlands on the tenth anniversary of Five Nights at Freddy’s, a video game series and blockbuster feature film my son Declan is obsessed with. Since I basically spend all my time with Declan, that means that I’m vicariously way too invested in the game as well. 

Borderlands illustrates yet again why it is generally a piss poor idea to turn a hit video game into a major motion picture. Unlike Five Nights at Freddy’s, Borderlands does not have a massive, pathologically devoted fanbase who will see the movie no matter how badly it sucks. 

Five Nights at Freddy’s was a massive commercial success but an abysmal motion picture. Borderland, however, is both a critical punching bag and a flop at the box office. 

Two Stars out of Five